So the magazine Oxford American put out a music issue, and continued in its admirable tradition of including a free CD. Or should I say, its formerly admirable tradition, since this particular CD contains the track, recorded by Muhammad Ali sometime in the 1970s, "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay." I have, perhaps diabolically, included this track on this blog. Now would be a good time to inform the legal powers that be that I have not secured the copyright to "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay," nor do I have any intention to. Why not? Because fuck you, that's why not. I am putting it up here, and I challenge any man taking it down to a duel, preferably with some sort of sword.
If this behavior seems insane, that is no doubt because I have listened to "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay." And if it seems more insane yet to want to infect the minds of my supposed friends, I refer you, again, to the fact that I have recently listened to "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay."
If your mind had an ass, that ass would be about to be raped by "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay." Does that sentence make no sense to you? Then you obviously have not pressed "play" on "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay." Please do so now. All will be clear in a few moments.
"Who knocked the crack in the Liberty Bell?" the champ asks, almost before one can catch one's breath. This seems a reasonable enough, if horrifyingly random, question. "Ali," replies the obediant, perhaps even terrified, choir. "Who really gave that bell a smack?" "Ali," replies the choir, by now furtively checking the exits. "Who punched it so hard that the bell did crack? Hit it so hard with a awful whack?" "Ali," comes the inevitable response.
It may have occurred to you by this point that none of this has anything to do with tooth decay. Relax. It is just the simple boast of a man beating the shit out of a bell. It is part of the most perfect logic ever conceived. You were so silly and foolish to think that there would be tooth decay involved. The bell in question was cracked 189 years before Muhammad Ali was born as Cassius Clay. That this doesn't make perfect sense to you simply means that you have not heard the chorus. "Ali's always getting blamed for things he didn't do," exclaim the now-peppy choir, who have abandoned their terror for a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. As you will, very shortly. They continue, "Just because he likes to scrap, and maybe sometimes view [do? doo? goo?] People," they inform us, "wanna blame that man, although he wasn't there." Yet the only "people" who have yet blamed the cracking of the Liberty Bell on Muhammad Ali are the choir themselves, an allegation that Ali himself seems rather funkily to agree with. That he wasn't there seems obvious, or it did until a few moments ago, until one's mind was destroyed by this "thing" we call "Theme from Ali and the Gang Versus Mr. Tooth Decay."
But now, the choir seems to want to mitigate. "Maybe we could take a look; the blame could well be shared." A mere forty-two seconds ago, there was no blame attached to a Lousiville, Kentucky boxer born in 1942 for breaking any bells, Liberty or otherwise. Now, the choir having blamed him, they exonerate the defendant by (quite reasonably) suggesting it is physically impossible for him to have cracked the Liberty Bell. Or maybe "the blame could well be shared." Why not? Oh Merciful and Benign God, please help us "share" this fucking "blame", otherwise I may be forced to kill myself.
One begins to wonder whether a guy who practically handed Sonny Liston his intestines on a plate, and who is so good at fucking up bells, should maybe give this choir (with whom he has obviously been trapped in a recording studio) a good going-over. Then Ali mind-bombs us. MIND-BOMBS US. He makes it crystal-clear that not only does he endorse this madness, but that he is the only man great enough to be the author of it! And how does he prove it?
"Who rode the ride of Paul Revere?" This is Muhammad Ali. This is the true nature of greatness. It seems almost existential. One might ask, "who owns the coat belonging to Tim Ferguson?" And, as much as the proper reply to this question might seem to be "Shut the fuck up, you fucking retard," the proper reply is, of course, "Ali." A pedant might suggest that the Ride of Paul Revere was, by definition, ridden by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere. To this person, I suggest that his mind-ass be introduced to the bony cock-rapings of Mr. Tooth Decay.
Now we are treated to the spectacle of Muhammad Ali trying to avoid blame for an action most Americans previously considered heroic. But "blame could well be shared," and I say: fuck, yeah! Give in to it! Why the fuck not? This is an important corner you need to turn in your life RIGHT HERE: "Who dunked the tea in the Boston Bay?" Ali asks, earnestly. "Ali," his relentlessly informative choir tells him. Outraged, he asks, "Set FIRE to the ships that was settin' in the Bay!?!" He seems heartbroken, dazzled by his own cruelty. "Ali," the choir gently reminds him, and this seems to lift his spirits. Finally, he sees the logic in it. "Destroyed the tea? So our country could be free?" It seems almost too good to be true, but one question remains. One so vital it is more important than everything else in the history of human endeavor. Ali is our hero in the ass-whipping of Tooth Decay and of various bells, and we know he will not fail to ask his choir, who possess the wisdom of the gods. And he asks. Ecstatic, thrilled, terrified: "Dressed up like a Indian -- WHO WAS HE???" One can almost see the choir's reassuring nods, and almost feel the orgasmic relief when he is assured, "Ali."
He was dressed up like a Indian, and he destroyed the tea, so our country could be free. Listen to this track. I urge, no, I BEG you to ruin your goddamn stupid, useless mind with it. But don't blame me. Maybe we could take a look, the blame could well be shared.
The song is HERE.
help. me. brain. crack. hertz. errrrr.........
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